We sat opposite each other for the first time since we started talking. So many things were said and done between the two of us, it made this moment feel surreal. He ordered two coffees from the waitress and stared at her as she walked away. The ring on his left hand blinked at me. He was married now. I knew that before I came here today, before I flew across the world to meet him. Did I care that he was married now? No. I looked into his eyes and he smiled. I loved him, I still loved him. I always have and always will.
The waitress came over with the cups of boiling liquid and sat it down in front of us. He reached for the cup and I reached for his hand. A frown formed on his forehead. I loved catching him by surprise. I held his hand, he pulled away. It didn’t bother me. We were in a public restaurant. People could see. Did I care? No. He drank his coffee and asked me how I’ve been. I’ve been great. I lied. He didn’t need to know that. I asked him about his wife. He took another sip and asked if he could drop me off at my hotel. I accepted the offer.
We drove in silence. I reached for his hand. I placed it on my leg. He didn’t pull away this time. That ring was bothering me. We came to a stop in front of a grey building.
“Do you want me to walk you upstairs”? he asked.
“Of course I do” I answered and got out of his car.
The hallway was quiet. He walked next to me in silence. I took the key to my room out and held the door for him.
He looked at me with an expression I’ve never seen on him before.
“I really should’t” he said.
I looked down to the ground. Was I disappointed? Yes. I wanted to spend more time with him. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay with me a while longer.
He must’ve read my mind, he walked past me into the room and stood in front of the window.
“Ten more minutes” he said.
“Ok” I whispered quietly and stood next to him, admiring the view in front of us. The ring caught my eye again. I took his hand in mine and took the ring off. He looked confused. I placed in on the bedside table.
“You can have it back when you leave” I said, ignoring the confused look.
He looked into my eyes. I wanted him to kiss me. He didn’t. He stared at the view. I took both of his hands and placed them around my waist. He didn’t pull away this time. I put my arms around his neck and kiss him on his cheek. I loved his beard. I kissed his neck and felt his grip tightening. I looked up at him.
“I’ve wanted to do this for the longest time” I whispered and this time he leaned in and kissed me. I melted into his arms. I kissed him back and pulled him in closer. He bit my lip and walked over to the bed. He was on top of me, kissing me, his hands tangled in between my hair. He kissed my neck, my shoulder, slowly undressing me. His touch was enough, it’s all I wanted. I’ve been craving this from him for so long.
He stopped. I knew he came to his senses. I knew this wouldn’t last, but I didn’t think it would end so soon.
“Please don’t stop” I begged.
“I have to” he whispered back, kissing me once more.
“I don’t want you to” I asked.
He kissed me again, he was still on top of me, my legs curled around his waist.
“Let me go” he whispered, still kissing me.
“No. Not this time” I whispered back and I could feel him smile.
“Why are you being so stubborn”? he asked, smiling.
“Because I love you and I’ve wanted this for a really long time” I replied, kissing him, securing my legs.
He paused and looked at me. He got up and I didn’t stop him. He picked up his shirt from the floor and took his ring off the bedside table. I expected him to slide it back onto his finger but he didn’t. He put it in his pocket and rubbed his face with both hands. He was frustrated, I could tell.
“Why now”? he asked.
I didn’t answer. Truth is I didn’t have an answer.
I got off from the bed and went into the bathroom. I turned the hot water tap of the shower and got naked. He stood in the doorway, he looked at me and I looked at him.
“I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know why now. Why not now?” I said and got into the shower.
I put my head under the running water, I heard the door open and I felt him behind me. Tears stung my eyes. I wanted him to be mine but he belonged to her. Was I starting to care? Of course I cared.
I turned around, his arms was around my waist and his lips on mine.
“I fucking love you” he whispered in-between kisses.
My arms was around his neck, my legs around his waist, he was pushing me against the wall. Minutes passed. He carried me to the bed, threw me down and got on top of me.
“Wait, your wife” I whispered, knowing damn well it was too late.
“I love you, we will figure it out” he whispered.
I needed to hear that. I pulled him in closer, I wanted him and nothing in this world was going to stop me.
Not this time.